Healing From Developmental Trauma
Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families.
Not all of this post will speak to everyone, but there are enough common features here to help us identify if our familial biography has influenced our development and our biology. A dysfunctional home will build an insecure attachment style in a child in order for them to keep connection, manage distress, and survive. This blueprint will continue into adulthood until we heal it and will promote the stress response until we heal it with reparenting ourselves. These environments will also change a child’s neurological and biological developmental as their nervous and psyche system will prioritise protection and survival - which later life shows up as chronic pain, fatigue, sensitivities and the other stress and trauma based illnesses (mental and physical). Again until we reparent ourselves and learn to imprint felt safety, recognise our needs - commit to meeting them in new ways, and change our lives to nourish our inner child and stop re traumatising them with re enacting old familial dynamics (in behaviours, unhealthy relationships, harsh diets, self punishment etc). When we do this, we have lives that are deeply rich in joy, self understanding and authenticity.
Dysfunctional, challenging, or traumatic families don’t all look alike. Many are good people with their own issues unhealed. But the common theme for the child is an experience of shame and abandonment.
In addition to homes where alcoholism or other addiction is present, other families may experience:
Mentally ill or traumatised parent/parents. From familial or structural trauma (both go hand in hand)
Hypochondriac parent/parents.
Parents that have lived through war/severe instability structurally
Militaristic discipline, ritualistic beliefs – religious or otherwise, harsh punishment, and extreme secretiveness or sadistic overtones.
Sexual abuse, overtly such as incest, or covertly such as an oversexualized environment that includes inappropriate touch or dress by the parent/parents.
Perfectionism that creates overly high expectations with praise typically tied to an accomplishment rather than given freely.
Emotional neglect (this can also truly be non intentional, parents at work, away, not able to meet emotional needs with attunement.)
Highly sensitive kids will be more impacted as they are more responsive to their environment. This is however good news as when they become adults and they shift their inner and outer environments; they are responsive and they heal in powerful ways. I am an HSP and would not trade it for anything. Most of my clients are and do beautifully. Just a note here too. Do not make being an HSP your identity either. It is part of you, just like neurodivergence is for others, etc. To be accepted but a part of what needs to be a harmonious integrated whole.
With the rise of social media ‘nervous system work’ a lot of people are under the mistaken illusion that if you regulate your nervous system you will magically develop the awareness, skills and daily practice in order to live authentically and in your joy. This is not true. It makes great selling points for courses and short programs. But the truth is much more empowering long term, but not a magic bullet short term. Somatic work is important and key yes, but it is not everything. We have a hero’s journey each of us, and it is one that takes time, space and support.
For the first time this last 18 months I have had people really concerned they are doing something ‘wrong’ due to their recovery taking as long as it takes. And dialling out of their own body and experience to ‘do’ what others are telling them to - and blaming themselves when it did not work. Absolutely make use of modalities, for sure. This is why as therapeutic guides we train in different things too - to accrue tools for unique people. But the magic sauce and source is YOU and growing the mindful awareness in daily life to learn to meet all parts of you over time. Your tools will be unique to you, will change and grow and honestly shouldn’t cost a kings ransom (6k courses I am looking at you).
Healing, learning, and practicing is ongoing. We learn to dance in the rain as it were, whilst we are healing so that our focus is on what we CAN do, on cheering ourselves on, on focusing on what IS possible, on what we want MORE of, on growing connection to what brings us closer to ourselves, on learning to be proactive actors in our own wellbing, and on taking radical responsibility for what is under our influence a day at a time and chucking the rest in the fuck it bucket.
Becoming our own Loving Parent is at the core of healing from a neglectful childhood; it is the gateway to reconnecting to our inner child and removing the burdens from him/her/them that were not theirs to carry. Many adult children of dysfunctional home have never considered the idea of reparenting ourselves day to day in our lives, but with help and support, we can do so with gentleness, humor, love and respect. It becomes a daily and really wonderful practice. Trust me life will trigger you enough times to let you know you have parts in there that need your help!
Symptoms, challenges, interpersonal interactions, relationships, work - we get to reparent ourselves through it all as we wake up in our lives to the default protective ways we adapted to survive, and teach our mind body being new ways to thrive. Symptoms do not become something to try and ‘get rid of’ as this is a trap to more stress. They become a chance to re frame, find new meaning, bring safety to the body - and practice self compassion, radical acceptance and radical responsibility. We really do need to commit to ourselves to do this.
Through recovery, we use reparenting to connect with ourselves and others in a healthy manner. We pause and notice how we do things like minimizing ourselves, people please, over help/fix, enable, self abandon, catastrophise, get stuck in our powerless child victimised part, push through without realizing it.
With this awareness we can reframe our mistakes as chances to learn and grow emotionally and learn new skills that promote our health. We slowly from a place of love teach ourselves to practice new ways of being. This is neuroplasticity in action. We learn to cheer ourselves on and re affirm slow is always good enough. This is personally how I practice neuroplasticity too by the way. Hence why I do not have my clients do DNRS or any one way ‘program’. Their system is their guide and ultimate wisdom. Their practice starts with stabilising, then deepens over time as they build felt trust with themselves and the somatic capacity to integrate their childhood emotions, beliefs and release their ancestral burdens.
When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today and take on radical responsibility for ourselves, we also become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping from a place of authenticity - not to earn safety or connection. We awaken to a sense of wholeness that was always there as it is our blueprint that no one needs to earn.
We all need to slowly learn to keep the focus on ourselves in the here and now. This is why being offline is SO important in recovery.
We learn to take responsibility for our own lives and supply our own parenting with the support of safe and non judgmental others. And honestly to stop treating ourselves like something to fix. But as someone to love. This is a practice. What you hit along the way as begin to try (self criticism, shame, victimhood, distraction - are meant to be there. Whatever arises is the first in line for love as one of my teachers Matt Kahn says)
Signs of adult children from dysfunctional homes:
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, get in relationship with someone with an addiction or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our abandonment re enactment.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement of turbulent relationships and the chaos of an unhealthy cycle
We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial). This WILL come out in the body or/and in our psyche (sometimes as a wish to escape the pain with suicidal ideation or self harm or disordered eating etc - all this is often early attachment wounding)
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with traumatised people who were not there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. This is true of children of other dysfunctional parents too
As We Heal - in no order, no time frame, in degrees and totally different for everyone:
We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures. We recognise community is healing and we allow it in and grow it. This is not easy in a culture so hyper individualised. Look at the ‘healing’ space with all its solo activities for trauma. It is untrue. Healing needs others. We are interpersonal mammals.
We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.
We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings or to avoid our own wounds.
We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.
We avoid emotional intoxication of chaos and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset that is destabilising and addictive
We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.
We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
We are actors, not reactors.
I have gone from the first list to the second. I have been healthy many years now. I have seen hundreds in my practice self heal at the pace of trust and no faster.
I grew up with one parent with severe trauma that manifested in narcissistic personality disorder so they were very abusive in ways that impacted me on every level, and another severely traumatised parent who was an adult child of an alcoholic so was the abuser’s enabler, very kind but emotionally unavailable and had also grown up in poverty and immigrated knowing no English to the UK.
I showed the first physical signs of trauma age 10, which grew over time but I ignored them all as I was dissociated and surviving. I was suicidal for the first time at 15. I was badly bullied at home and then at school. Kids can spot the already disconnected kid so I understand why I was a target for other kids who were clearly also in dysfunctional homes. Recreational drugs in my early 20’s to try and feel connection and to soothe pain. Seeking love/connection in the wrong places. A lot of re enactment of the abandonment wound - only as an adult, abandoning myself more than anyone else ever could. A high flying career. Over helping. Self loathing like it was an Olympic sport. I had most of the first laundry list in my life as my system had adapted to help me survive adversity beautifully, but it became maladaptive as the complexity and demands of adulthood grew and I a) had no flexibility to adapt to that as I lacked skills to be my authentic Self, I only had my survival personality and b) my body/nervous system became unable to keep going in a chronic protective stress response.
Severe illness hit age 24. I developed multiple ‘incurable’ chronic conditions and became disabled and unable to work. It was my invitation to wake up out of the autopilot survival state I was in, and grow every single part of my life to nourish my real self who was not damaged, broken or faulty. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I was in my victim part the first few years until I learned to spot her and take care of her so I could pilot my recovery. It is not possible to heal from that victim part of us so we need to be willing to feel them, resource them and heal them. They are often the part that is sure everyone else can heal but we can’t, or because of ‘x’ reason (everyone has their own special reason their victim has internalised). We can sometimes get a feel this part is younger than us from how they feel, sound and their posture in our body. Once I had got more into the drivers seat of my own recovery, healing became the most empowering experience of my life.
It took years for me to reparent all parts of me and build a healthy relationship with my body and life. As I did so - my symptoms slowly resolved. I was happy and thriving long before they went away. This is something all my clients experience too. We became outcome independent rather than results driven, and this is freedom. You cannot heal focusing on your symptoms all the time. They provide distraction for a lot of people for what is actually underneath. When we realise that we are not actually damaged, just hurting, the magic tends to begin.
I stopped falsely attributing the pain to bodily dysfunction and came to realise the body does not ‘go wrong’. It speaks and I needed to learn to listen. When fear and anxiety of the body goes down, our symptoms days are numbered. I learned to stop reacting and resisting. Life got easier as I did that. It was not easy but I really did engage as I wanted to live (not ‘fix’ things wrong with me - a real empowered reason to move forwards)
I had disorganised attachment, which is the one social media coaches ignore as it is too complex hahah. I now have mostly secure attachment with about 30% anxious and disorganised. I share this for others that might have insecure attachment styles. Please know they were the RIGHT ones for you to stay connected and have needs met enough to get through childhood. We get to slowly and kindly uncouple intimacy from fear, closeness from engulfment, space from abandonment - and grow more and more secure with our own love and the ultimate love of God/the universal field/our great loving Mother Earth - whatever your connection is with spirituality. Please do not miss out this part. We are not meant to do this alone. There is a benevolent pure field of love available to all of us, accessible in prayer, meditation, plant medicine work, deep contemplative practice and accessible to all in the generous present moment.
I am still integrating and learning about myself. Since learning to approach myself with kindness, not a project, not as something faulty, it is a joy to do this as I feel worth my own kind care and attention.
As soon as I stopped obsessing about my illness and trauma, and focused my attention on what I wanted to grow and have more of, my life opened up and slowly gently in a non linear shit show fashion I recovered. I cannot say it strongly enough - get off social media and tons of trauma and illness focused accounts (disguised as wellness accounts).
You are not your trauma or history. You cannot take that whole story with you into health. Yes deeply sit with the parts of you impacted by that. But spend much more time cultivating the skills, practices and ways of daily life that build your innate health and vitality. That really is the way to get ourselves feeling safer internally and unstuck.
My life is challenging like all of ours are - but I am at peace and I have the present moment self connection, skills and resource to meet it.
I do not need my illness anymore to shield me from the world as parts of me were so overwhelmed by adulting in the old ways they learned to survive that were exhausting.
I do not need my symptoms to cry out for my needs as I know what they are and how to meet them and ask for support with them.
I really like me and so my body functions coherently. Essentially that is what this whole journey comes down to. Accepting all parts of ourselves and growing the felt capacity to be with all our emotions, contradictions, light, shadow in one messy miracle of a human.
Please know this is deeply possible for us. Our history is not our destiny. Your body does not go wrong. Your condition has meaning. It is not a bird shit fallen from the sky. It is a volcano that was rumbling a long time that we did not have the time, space or support to notice and integrate. Our condition gives us that opportunity. Accept this is your mountain to climb. I know you did not ask for it but it is here. There are millions climbing all around you too so you really are not alone. Their path up the mountain is unique as yours so don’t try and get on their path, you’ll just lose your footing on yours. One baby step up at a time. When you slip it does not matter, just re engage. Stop to enjoy the view on the way :). You do not have to earn your recovery. You are innately worthy and you belong deeply here.
As my beloved teacher Ram Dass says, we are all just walking each other home.
With love from all parts of me to all parts of you x